The Body – All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood
Is it art because you hang it on the wall? Is it garbage if you take it from the trash? Is it music because it has a beat and you can dance to it? Philosophical conundrums entangle our very lives as we make every attempt to portray some sense of humanity amid the chaos that is life since Lost went off the air. We cling to our known, trusted conventions striving for some sense of normalcy while our planet careens toward the sun, the very same sun that will wipe us all out in a few million years. What about the children?
The Body has released an album into the wild abandon called All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood. This title is meant to shock you, shock you away from your conformist conventions of shopping and talking on cell phones and using the toilet. It has the word “blood” in it. Blood is shocking. And in your water it’s even more shocking. Your water! Shocking!
The Body is made of two members of the Knights who say “Ni”, but now they carry guns. Their abysmal outlook on life is lovingly knitted into each and every sound within All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood (shocking!). The first track, “A Body”, challenges your senses with ten minutes of what sounds to be a choir warming up. By dulling you into a false sense of dribbling hypnosis, you cannot escape the following droning onslaught of image-evoking sounds even if you take the red pill.
The next track, “A Curse”, begins the collection of sounds making up the rest of the album. Here you are trapped in Plato’s Cave with no way out as the drum beats a slow beat. Then lookout! Is the singer just screaming? Or is he strapped to The Machine in the Pit of Despair? Is he a wild, angry Comanche warrior? Is he Tom getting his tail burned by Jerry? This is not for you to know.
The Body has taken conventional song writing and turned it on its head. It’s as if they threw away all of their paper except one sheet and then scribbled all of the world’s mistakes, grief, and ugliness into a few chords, a key change, and a mustard stain.
In the bleak underbelly lies more questions you cannot answer. “Ruiner”, for example, asks, if you slow down Angus Young’s chord progressions to 1/10th, do trees thunderstruck on the highway to hell make a sound? Also, why AC/DC? Why not K.C. and the Sunshine Band?
The next time you are surrounded by music cretins who worship conformist capitalist music, you can raise one eyebrow and drop The Body as new band you know and then shock them by saying All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood! It’s shocking! Your ignorant associates may scoff at your previous mentions of Sunn O))) and Portal but they will cower at this latest edition to WTF metal.
As I close this review, still shaking from the mind fuck that is The Body, I must conform to editorial standards and rate All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood (I shocked again!). I will rate this album a “2″ as it is the closest symbol to a question mark as I am allowed to use.
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100 Comments
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:01 pm
The "Holy Grail" reference made me laugh. Hilarious review man.
From the samples…yeah. I got nothing. I didn't hear any music in the samples…I don't think.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 4:34 pm
The album cover speaks for itself. It says "Ecky Ecky Ecky F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel".
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 3:37 pm
What a quirky review. I like it.
No comment on the band. The 10 minute choir warm-up thing? *yawns*
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
…Amazing review. I couldn't think of anyone better suited to review this album than you. A+!
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 4:00 pm
This review is pure genius. The album, however, is not.
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 4:57 pm
This is like the Animal Collective of…rock?
[Reply to this comment]
Josh Velliquette replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 5:31 pm
…Just without the critical acclaim.
[Reply to this comment]
Anthony Gannaio replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Which is completely undeserved, btw. I cannot stand that group.
[Reply to this comment]
squideyeball replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
I don't know, The New York Times and Pitchfork.com seemed to like it. Are they critics?
[Reply to this comment]
squideyeball replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
RVAmag.com also gave it a pretty good review.
[Reply to this comment]
squideyeball replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
popdose gave them a pretty good review too!
[Reply to this comment]
Matt replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Who the hell is that anyway?
[Reply to this comment]
Steve replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
HAHAHA Pitchfork.com also gave someone named Robyn the same score as The Body. And they review rap albums too.
[Reply to this comment]
squideyeball replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Uh.. yeah. no shit they review rap albums. They review music.
[Reply to this comment]
Steve replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Shit music, apparently.
[Reply to this comment]
Josh Velliquette replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Yes, they are critics, there's no disputing that. However, critical acclaim is essentially "universal acclaim." Meaning that a majority of critics give an album a rather high score. I don't know about you squideyeball, but I have also seen a number of other reviews and their scores haven't been too generous either.
Admit it, this is a deeply polarizing album that is going to have one crowd of people love it and another crowd of people hate it.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
What more do you need than praise from the New York Times, Pitchfork, Terrorizer and Aquarius? All of these gave the record not just a good review, but AMAZING reviews. If that's not a consensus among the TOP critical voices for hard music out there, what is?
[Reply to this comment]
Gabriel Pio replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Example: Not every movie that gets a good review from Roger Ebert is good, but that doesn't mean it's bad either. Sometimes Ebert likes a film, and Roeper doesn't, and vice-versa. It's called an opinion.
Keith is a reviewer. He found the album mind-numbingly WTF and boring. I felt the same way.
Other critics found it good, interesting, fresh, whatever. There are people who most likely feel that way as well.
It's only natural.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Kieth's opinion is invalidated by the terrible music he likes and the small, obscure venue he caters to. The reviewers I mention are the leading national – and international voices in music criticism. So the comparison is ridiculous.
Opinions can be wrong too.
[Reply to this comment]
Jen replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
On the contrary…an opinion is never wrong. You might disagree with it, but that doesn't make it wrong.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
See, there's a perfect example
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
I hate it when my opinions are invalidated. I feel so …. opinionless.
[Reply to this comment]
Josh Velliquette replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
dMB, this is pointless. I really had no idea that Pitchfork and The New York Times were two of the leading critics of heavy music. Status doesn't correlate with validity.
Check out MetalReview's piece on the album. That basically sums up what most people think: it's a polarizing record that will only be liked with an acquired taste. If you like it, congrats. However, this album isn't critically acclaimed.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Jesus Christ, way to meet me in the middle. The tender years of wafers and priest-rape must have melted your spine. Grow some balls and acquire better taste, Rivers.
Yes, opinions are wrong if the owner is a peachy metalcore reviewer.
[Reply to this comment]
Gabriel Pio replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Forgive us, superior being who enjoys proggy, trippy, different, experimental music only. Looks down on us simpletons who enjoy metalcore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You think the CD is a beaut, Keith doesn't, so what? You don't have to be a poor sport about it.
[Reply to this comment]
zerosignal replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I think I speak for everyone when I say this. What the hell are you talking about?
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
I don't know about trippy, proggy, experimental etc.. I prefer music that expedites the oncoming of Christian Holocaust. What about you guys?
[Reply to this comment]
zerosignal replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Got ya. It doesn't have to actually SOUND good, as long as it "expedites the oncoming of Christian Holocaust." Personally, I prefer to listen to something that doesn't sound like utter shit. But hey, that's just me.
[Reply to this comment]
Josh Velliquette replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Meeting you in the middle? If you want my personal opinion, I think this record is rather horrible. It doesn't appeal to me at all. I apologize if my musical tastes aren't as abstract and conventionally challenging as yours, you clearly win this debate.
I thought I was being fair by calling this album polarizing because it clearly is. Either you are going to love it or hate it as is evident in the comments on this review. However, I guess that is just not controversial enough for you.
Thanks for the Rivers comparison by the way.
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I love that this album STILL got a better rating than Circle of Dead Children.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 7:51 pm
And I still stand by my own .005 take on that album. This is far more palatable.
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 8:04 pm
I HAD to comment on this band, hehe. This is willfully terrible and sooo boring. Unfortunately I know some people who would think this is amazing, but, forgetting for a moment that I know those people, who likes this garbage? Literally anyone could make sounds like this and record them at this quality. You almost HAVE to be a genius-level musician to appreciate this in any way, let alone be tempted to want to make music(is that what we're calling this??) like this.
I'll just say I've been thoroughly blown away… in the worst way possible
[Reply to this comment]
Nitrohippie replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 11:02 pm
And, yes, good review, Keith. Spot on
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Thank you. I also think you need to define "genius-level musician" as I'm having a problem grasping the connection between cutting myself just to make the music stop and actually knowing music.
[Reply to this comment]
Nitrohippie replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 9:11 am
By "genius-level musician" I think I mean someone who knows so much about music that their vast knowledge actually creates a black hole, which starts sucking up all the good music. That would leave them no choice but to like The Body, I would think.
….but since I'm pretty sure that this type of person does not exist, I may have gone too far, hehe.
Cutting yourself = knowing music
[Reply to this comment]
squideyeball replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
Dude, I just clicked your link and listened to your band. Don't worry, nobody's going to be accusing you guys of being too smart to write music any time soon.
[Reply to this comment]
Nitrohippie replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Thanks, jerk
And, did I, at any point, make any claims about my band's music?? No, I didn't. If you don't like my opinion about the band/review above, then say so but don't insult me. You don't know anything about me, or my band, and I could care less what you think about our music. If you want to discuss The Body, then lets do that. Otherwise…. grow up.
[Reply to this comment]
Andrew replied:
July 23rd, 2011 at 7:20 pm
You could care less.
[Reply to this comment]
Nitrohippie replied:
August 1st, 2011 at 9:19 pm
True. I could’ve cared less when I wrote that, but now I do actually care a lot less. Funny how time will do that.
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:38 pm
I've heard bowel movements more moving than this crap.
Great review, Keith.
[Reply to this comment]
Nitrohippie replied:
August 23rd, 2010 at 11:01 pm
I've HAD those bowel movements you speak of
[Reply to this comment]
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Shoot!
[Reply to this comment]
August 24th, 2010 at 11:52 am
I vomit on God's child
[Reply to this comment]
Steve replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Thank you, Dave Matthews.
[Reply to this comment]
August 24th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
This has to be one of the most amateur reviews ive ever read. The Matrix? are you fucking serious?
Hatebreed? are you kidding me?
[Reply to this comment]
Jen replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Satire is lost on some people, I guess.
And where did you see anything mentioning Hatebreed in the review?
[Reply to this comment]
neo replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
how is using 87 shitty movie references to hide the lack of content or writing ability in a music review satire?
hatebreed came from his profile. I looked at it because until i saw the picture, i was convinced this was written by a 16 year old girl.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Amazing! You must be a professional detective. I am in fact a 16 year old girl pretending to be a much older man. You've caught me. One correction, though, you missed a few shitty movie references; there are, in fact, 103.
[Reply to this comment]
morpheus replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
I don't know. Maybe the same way beating on drums, making stupid noises and screaming at inaudible levels could be considered music. Think about it.
[Reply to this comment]
August 24th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Just a couple of dudes being different for the sake of being different. Cuz they're trendy like that.
[Reply to this comment]
Azriel replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
I find it so ironic that people who think like that think are actually not being different from those who think like them? Like, are they trying to be different to make a statement or are they being different because that's what they want to do?
I mean, look at these guys. LOOK AT THESE GUYS! They cannot seriously think this shit sounds good. It's one thing to try to be different, it's another to actually do it well.
I mean, look at The Browning. They pulled that off perfectly, they should be the poster child of what it means to be different. These guys are the junkies you see on the street that should make you think, "oh god, I hope I'm not like that someday."
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
OH NO LOOK THEY HAVE LONG HAIR AND BEARDS… they must be JUNKIES!! What is this, the fifties?
[Reply to this comment]
Azriel replied:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
I'm not talking about physical appearance, I'm talking about what they're trying to be. Trust me, I'm not as stupid as you try to make me out to be.
[Reply to this comment]
zerosignal replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Everybody wants to be "different", so much so that being different is the trend…and makes you just like everyone else. Better luck next time, The Body.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
to ZEROSIGNAL
Did you seriously just redefine the word "different" to mean "the same" in order to criticize a band?
Please bear with me here:
Maybe the Body aren't the ones with the problem (as if that's not evidenced enough by the fact that they are on tour as we speak getting paid to play music and happily selling tons of records while you are sitting in your fucking mom's basement eating wheat thins and brainstorming epicly misinformed criticisms of a band you know nothing about between forbidden jerk-off sessions). Maybe its YOUR problem that you are so fucking small-minded that you can't help but view this as vastly different from your normal experience of music, and further to find that difference offensive to your timid and ignorant sensibilities. That's pretty fucking sad problem to have, but its not something for others to sympathize with – its a condition to mock and avoid. The Body have made something of value – the praise for which is now being shown is not forced upon you by some entity paid to do so, but is a product of merit alone. You will likely never create something like that, and receive just acclaim from ordinary people for your hard work. Again, a condition that is completely insignificant to everyone but you. Next time you scramble for a criticism just for its own sake, try to remember that.
[Reply to this comment]
Azriel replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Small-minded? So what, those who have an expansive knowledge of music are the ones who think this crap sounds good?
So, what you're saying is that this music is for the "elite" who know more about what sounds good? News flash, dMB, everybody has their own tastes. They will decide what they like, it is not in your "power" to change our preferences.
Have fun being a pretentious prick.
[Reply to this comment]
chip replied:
September 8th, 2010 at 3:41 am
we're trying to be different than other music. not for the sake of being different, but to move past the stagnant jail that most heavy music keeps itself in these days. i've been in this band with my best friend for eleven years, and never once have been accused of being trendy, by virtue of the fact that a) we're old, and b) we've been PLAYING THIS MUSIC TOGETHER FOR ELEVEN YEARS.
[Reply to this comment]
Azriel replied:
September 8th, 2010 at 4:06 am
And that I can appreciate. I mean, listening to the samples the site gave, I don't think it does you guys justice because many of the songs clock in over 4 minutes, kinda touching 5. I actually just downloaded the album off Zune because I thought that I should give you guys a full listen.
If users can't listen to the album fully, we really can't judge what your music sounds like. I'm listening to "A Curse" and I really like the atmosphere of the song.
I'm sorry that my comments were so apprehensive towards your guys' sound, but a spark of childish nature got the better of me. What gets me is that the people who insist that they're better than those who don't know what you guys are really about, it really just gives off an ignorant light and puts you guys right in the middle of it.
You guys certainly aren't the worst I've heard; you're good at what you do, you can really craft atmosphere, and you are doing a good thing in this day and age in music. It may not be my cup of tea, but that doesn't mean it's bad. Maybe that's what I should've said.
Have a good one, man. My heart and mind go out to you both.
[Reply to this comment]
August 25th, 2010 at 1:16 am
Alright, let me start out by saying the complete shittiness of this review has absolutely nothing to do with your opinion. I'm not going to try to convince you to try to like this record; you are certainly allowed to not like a record you didn't enjoy listening to. But to call this a record review is like calling a kid's flipbook a major motion picture.
"Is it art because you hang it on the wall? Is it garbage if you take it from the trash? Is it music because it has a beat and you can dance to it? Philosophical conundrums entangle our very lives as we make every attempt to portray some sense of humanity amid the chaos that is life since Lost went off the air. We cling to our known, trusted conventions striving for some sense of normalcy while our planet careens toward the sun, the very same sun that will wipe us all out in a few million years. What about the children?"
I actually like the introduction! Let's move on:
"The Body has released an album into the wild abandon called All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood. This title is meant to shock you, shock you away from your conformist conventions of shopping and talking on cell phones and using the toilet. It has the word “blood” in it. Blood is shocking. And in your water it’s even more shocking. Your water! Shocking!"
There's a difference between "shocking" and having a general concept for your record. It's certainly a bleak title. The cover is equally dismal. It is not shocking. You look at the record and you think 'man, what is up with this? kinda creepy.' not 'OH WHAT THE FUCK?!' Cannibal Corpse is a good example of a shock band, for obvious reasons. The Body is not an example, because there isn't a blatantly obvious reason. They're creating an image. A purposely dull image.
"The Body is made of two members of the Knights who say “Ni”, but now they carry guns. Their abysmal outlook on life is lovingly knitted into each and every sound within All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood (shocking!). The first track, “A Body”, challenges your senses with ten minutes of what sounds to be a choir warming up. By dulling you into a false sense of dribbling hypnosis, you cannot escape the following droning onslaught of image-evoking sounds even if you take the red pill."
Typically when writing a review you're aiming the whole thing towards someone who has not yet heard the album. Being descriptive is only good if it actually describes something somewhat accurately. I listened to this record a few times a month ago, not recently enough, or enough times to have a fresh recollection of it in my head. I had no idea what you were talking about when you mentioned the Knights Who Say Ni until I did an image search and realized you were comparing them to the record cover, which you at no point mention in this paragraph. Then I couldn't remember the image-evoking sounds you referred to after the choir so I went and listened to the song again. I was picturing actual noise, or feedback, but no, it's a whole song with chord progression and singing and everything. Do you get how " droning onslaught of image-evoking sounds" is incredibly ambiguous to someone who isn't familiar with the track? If you hated the song, and thought it sounded like noise, there are better ways of describing that in a way that a reader can understand.
"The next track, “A Curse”, begins the collection of sounds making up the rest of the album. Here you are trapped in Plato’s Cave with no way out as the drum beats a slow beat. Then lookout! Is the singer just screaming? Or is he strapped to The Machine in the Pit of Despair? Is he a wild, angry Comanche warrior? Is he Tom getting his tail burned by Jerry? This is not for you to know."
Once again, a very convoluted paragraph. Not much going on here to give a clue as to what you're talking about. You mention a couple aspects included in the song, with actually describing they song itself. I could say that Angel Of Death sounds like Oscar the Grouch locked in a freezer, but that doesn't tell you anything about the song.
"The Body has taken conventional song writing and turned it on its head. It’s as if they threw away all of their paper except one sheet and then scribbled all of the world’s mistakes, grief, and ugliness into a few chords, a key change, and a mustard stain."
How has this record turned conventional song writing upside-down? It seems pretty straight forward for the most part. Steady beat, guitars played along to that beat, singing along to the song. It's slow, that's for sure, is that what you mean? Your paper analogy is also nonsense. What does a single sheet of paper have to do with the rest? A mustard stain? Did you throw that in there because it rhymes with key change? I'm not pretending to have no idea what you're talking about just for the sake of fucking with you, THIS ACTUALLY DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
"In the bleak underbelly lies more questions you cannot answer. “Ruiner”, for example, asks, if you slow down Angus Young’s chord progressions to 1/10th, do trees thunderstruck on the highway to hell make a sound? Also, why AC/DC? Why not K.C. and the Sunshine Band?"
Stating these stupid questions, and then act like The Body is stupid for asking them, isn't really fair to The Body. They didn't ask a stupid question. You did. The AC/DC comparison is more nonsense, and once again does not help anyone who has not heard this record get any sort of understanding of what this track sounds like. "Why not K.C. and the Sunshine Band?" uhh.. I don't know, you tell me, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE THE FUCKING CONNECTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
"The next time you are surrounded by music cretins who worship conformist capitalist music, you can raise one eyebrow and drop The Body as new band you know and then shock them by saying All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood! It’s shocking! Your ignorant associates may scoff at your previous mentions of Sunn O))) and Portal but they will cower at this latest edition to WTF metal."
You make that snarky comment further up this thread about people judging your opinion, but this paragraph seems pretty judgmental. Where are you getting this idea that they're this trendy new band and everyone is suddenly spontaneously jumping on the wagon, pretending to like? Why are you even talking about what other people will do? You're supposed to be reviewing the album, but you go on this weird tangent here, projecting this image of them that you've fabricated yourself, and acting all indignant about it. How dare they ask me what a slow AC/DC song sounds like on the high way to hell! These sons of bitches are only heavy so that people will name-drop them to people who don't know better!
"As I close this review, still shaking from the mind fuck that is The Body, I must conform to editorial standards and rate All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood (I shocked again!). I will rate this album a “2″ as it is the closest symbol to a question mark as I am allowed to use."
You're going to pretend you have editorial standards? Where? It doesn't seem like you edited this at all for even five fucking seconds. I'd be surprised if you even proof-read it. So little of this "review" actually critiques any of the actual music that a stranger to The Body would still have literally no idea what this record actually sounds like. That seems like a pretty obvious editorial standard to work towards. Here's another: When writing a record review, or anything really, you generally work along a format. In this case, you chose the review-the-album-sequentially route. You started your review at the beginning of the record, you worked your way towards the end of the record. Except you didn't really do that. You started at the first two tracks, skipped to the fifth, and skipped the whole ending. As I stated earlier, this record has an incredibly obvious concept. From the cover, to the album name, to the Courmac McCarthy-esque landscape each song continues to carve as you listen. I remember when I was a kid the first time I heard Skinny Puppy i was moved. Maybe not in a good way, I never really liked them, I still don't, but they had this disturbing quality to them (lets keep this in context here, this was the early 90s and nobody was making weird music like that, not many people anyway.) I had this gutteral reaction to their music that something wasn't right about them. This record gives me a similar visceral reaction. The intense bleakness of every song taps into that part of me that makes me wonder if the world really will end-up like that someday. The last song is a 13-minute epic, tying the record together. There's significantly more going on in those 13 minutes than in any other track on the album. The production of that track alone must have taken hours, and hours, and hours to get all those instruments, and a choir, and the screaming to sound the way it does. The song itself has more momentum than anything you've heard until that track. The first six songs have you standing on a cliff, agonizing for the decaying world, and then track number seven pushes you off of that cliff. By the time the song is over you feel completely crushed. But this, this whole concept, essentially the entire record, the whole driving force behind the entire album you barely mention it at all. It's the ground work of the whole record you're reviewing and you just casually mention it early in the review. Editorial standards? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN THIS SHIT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You start-off three separate paragraphs with "The Body…" Really, guy? You edited this?
You wrote another article on this site called Tips For New Bands, here's your advice:
1) Figure Out Who You Are
Yeah, you need to know who are. Stop imitating your influences and be original. If you and your band are not comfortable with your image and your music, you will fail."
+The Body clearly knows who they are. And they're not imitating anybody. They're not quite doom, they're not exactly a stoner band, they're not even really metal. I can't think of another band that sounds a lot like this band. Kinda hard to accomplish these days. You know, except for that one song that that's a total rip-off of a slow-mo AC/DC thunderstruck tree on a highway to hell.
2) Make Music
Do you know what published authors always tell writers when they ask about what it takes to get a book published? They say “Write your book then ask me.” The same applies to musicians. You need a catalog of music. Do whatever it takes to become prolific. Whatever you do, do not put up a myspace page and start promoting yourself before you have music.
+They have a catalog of music, and they just wrote a record that a lot of people are calling prolific!
3) Put Yourself Out There
After you have a catalog of tunes and your image figured out, make a checklist and get out there on your own website, myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm, PureVolume, YouTube, and any other place you think you have an audience. Make sure these are all done professionally. By “professional” I don’t mean gigantic myspace header graphics. God help if I see another one of those. “Professional” means they are well done, provide all of your information, and don’t have typos.
+The Body has been touring for years! They got in the NYTimes and on Pitchfork.com among many others, and they didn't even have a pro pumping their shit! Pretty impressive by your own standards!
4) Hire A Producer
Unless you are an exception to the rule, self-production is a bad idea, especially when making your own first demo. Your job is to write songs. The producer’s job is to find what makes you special and somehow record that. Yeah, producers cost money. Don’t whine about living in a van by the river. Musicians are not the only people who have to spend money to make money.
+ I just checked the liner notes. Multiple producers!
5) Less Is More
When recording your demo and you’re all into using Pro Tools, please, please, please remember: just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Since I know you decided to ignore what I said about getting a producer, at least for the love of all that’s holy, don’t load your music down with synth drums and Auto-Tune.
+Check!
6) Fire Your Dumb Ass PR Person
We’ve seen some serious douchebaggery here when it comes to band PR. If some bands knew how their PR was handled they would play literal death metal with somebody’s head. Don’t be fooled by random people with marketing degrees. You want a PR person who will actively push your music out there, knows when you play, and is genuinely excited about you and your label. Here’s a tip: get a friend to pretend to be with an online review site and have this friend try to get info about your band. You’ll find out really quick how good your PR is.
+I have no info on this!
7) Stay Technically Savvy
I don’t mean tech death here. As we get MP3s here to listen for reviewing purposes, I cannot believe some of the inept files I’ve received. Some of them don’t have any meta-data (no band, album, track, etc.). Sometimes we get low-quality rips. I can only review what I get and a low-quality rip doesn’t help your band get production points. I need to be able to hear your lowest bass and wince at your highest shrills. In addition, if you have previous releases, make them available, and not just on iTunes. I personally hate iTunes and will until it dies in a fire.
+You might not like it, but you can't say this record wasn't mixed well. You can hear every second of this slow-mo AC/DC and the sunshine thunder hell highway-esque album.
If you truly want to succeed with your band, own everything you do. If you have bad PR, fix it. If you have a sucky website, fix it. If you get consistently bad reviews, figure out what you’re doing wrong. Ultimately, you’re in your band, playing your music, and trying to live your dream. Own it all, the good and the bad. Get involved in social media and leave comments on sites discussing your band, while remaining professional of course.
+They must have got some good advice from their social media, cuz they're getting pretty consistant good reviews from this new album!
Man, they've got it all! They must have read this article!
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 2:23 am
Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful fisking of my review. I know I've touched people when they spend so much time and emotion responding to something I've written. Your kind of passion is exactly what keeps me waking up each morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.
I'm saddened by your disconnection from the Holy Grail. I highly recommend it as it is funny and Monty Python worked really hard on it. It may appear as bleak as The Body's album, but don't worry; it was filmed in the UK and it's always bleak there. Also, quoting from this movie never gets old when attending comic conventions and RPG meetups.
I'm glad you mentioned kids' flip books. I like Where the Wild Things Are a lot. I also like Madeline, Horton Hears a Who, Curious George, and The Polar Express. Maybe one day, they'll make a movie from these. I do know they made a movie of The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. If it's anything like the book, it's one humdinger of a family film.
The lack of death threats, sparse use of obscenities, and ability to write sentences leads me to believe you are not a fan of Avenged Sevenfold and are probably of drinking age. Have a beer. Cheers.
[Reply to this comment]
zerosignal replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 9:38 am
For someone who hates this review, you sure do spend a lot of time (and effort) here. Nothing better to do I guess.
[Reply to this comment]
August 25th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Does anyone else find it funny that this band who is "on tour as we speak getting paid to play music and happily selling tons of records" has only two fans who speak for them? Also, opinions cannot be wrong, just sayin'. dmb and squideyeball, I'm more than sure that there are plenty of bands/albums that you dislike or even hate that plenty of people enjoy. Does this mean that your opinion is wrong? Yeah, I didn't think so.
[Reply to this comment]
dMB replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Hey Lee,
I like your chinstrap. "Just sayin'"
[Reply to this comment]
Lee replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Hey dmb,
Thanks, and you can put a bow on a turd…but it’s still a turd. Just sayin’
[Reply to this comment]
Matt replied:
August 25th, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Now that was classic.
[Reply to this comment]
Andrew replied:
July 23rd, 2011 at 7:28 pm
A chinstrap is a bow?
[Reply to this comment]
Lee replied:
July 23rd, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Nope. Good try though. I’ll give you an A for effort anyway. Keep working on your responses and then come back and try again
[Reply to this comment]
August 25th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
I am very, very confused at this music.
[Reply to this comment]
August 28th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I've seen this band many times in their hometown of Providence. No, they don't make 'music' for everyone. But I don't think that's what they're aiming for. Nor do I enjoy it all they time. When I'm in the mood to listen for something 'weird', 'something loud', I'll put this album on. Plus, there's a certain tongue-in-cheek element to this that most of you seem to be over-looking.
Also, one of the loudest bands I've ever seen live. Huge wall of amps.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
August 28th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
"Plus, there’s a certain tongue-in-cheek element to this that most of you seem to be over-looking."
As well as in the review itself.
[Reply to this comment]
Jen replied:
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Huge wall of amps, as evidenced here:
http://thenewreview.net/news/watch-recent-performance-from-the-body
[Reply to this comment]
September 1st, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Every once in awhile I'll check the reviews on Yelp! for a restaurant I am familiar with. What I find most transparent is when the restaurant reviews are negative and it has little to do with the food, and more of the crowd. "They think they are so cool with their tattoos and haircuts", “it's nothing but hipsters” etc.
I would have believed you didn't like the record for legitimate reasons because of your snarky review if you didn't jump firmly in those waters when you say, "The next time you are surrounded by music cretins who worship conformist capitalist music, you can raise one eyebrow and drop The Body as new band you know and then shock them by saying All the Waters of the Earth Turn to Blood! It’s shocking! Your ignorant associates may scoff at your previous mentions of Sunn O))) and Portal but they will cower at this latest edition to WTF metal." It smacks of not being included and being resentful because you weren't. Tough to imagine with a Monty Python reference…
This record isn't easy. But it's powerful and beautiful. Bummed you and your hangups couldn't hear that.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
September 1st, 2010 at 2:22 pm
You caught me. My mom hated me too.
[Reply to this comment]
September 8th, 2010 at 4:07 am
you people are not very nice. i don't expect everyone to like this record, but the bleak and nihilistic worldview that i think is captured in the imagery and the sound of it has definitely been reinforced to me by the way people on this comment list have written of it. many of the people who make this site function profess to be of the christian faith, yet i can hardly see that, what with the way you all respond to criticism. kindness and humility and all of that, you know.
i am not writing this because i can't take criticism, i actually couldn't care less if someone does not care for the record. as has been mentioned earlier, people like what they like. what i don't care for, though, is the feeling that something i have worked so hard on, spent years on, literally, is the butt of someone's joke. the review seemed mainly geared as a humorous aside to the writer's friends here at the new review, not as an engaging review of a piece of music/art. i'm all for laughs and jokes, believe me, they are about all that has kept me in the world of the living for the majority of my life, just not at the expense of others in a public forum.
the worst is yet to come,
chip.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
September 8th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Chip:
I'm really glad I helped reinforce your bleak and nihilistic world view as it's exactly how I see things too. It's one of the many reasons I never leave the house. As for these other people at The NewReview, they aren't nice at all (they're a bunch of assholes, but shhhhhh, you didn't hear that from me). My own lack of niceness stems from a deeply rooted childhood surrounded by my family. If you met them, you'd be one cranky, miserable SOB, just like me.
Now my review was never meant to be an inside joke between myself and other people here a TNR. In fact, it was intended to be published here. This is mainly because you did produce an album of WTF metal. Now don't get me wrong, I understand doing weird things and experimenting. That's one of the reasons my neighbors call the police on me frequently. However, I also realize if I can't see the humor in my own fallacies, then I would have serious reasons to take a few spins around the ceiling fan via a noose.
Just the other day, I told a friend of mine, in all seriousness, at my funeral I want to be roasted. (By "roasted" I mean made fun of; none of my friends are cannibals as far as I know.) I'm going to write this into my will. However, I do fear all my friends will be too old and feeble to make it more funny than pathetic. We'll see. I'd be happy to add you the list of roasters.
The point is, Chip, (mind if I call you Chip?) I did have some fun at your expense, but it brought joy into several people's lives. Even though you and I see this bleak, depressing planet spinning for no fucking reason, other people don't. My job is to entertain them and teach them about Monty Python, who apparently some folks are unfamiliar with; now that's a damn tragedy. Your record represents a part of you and I get that. I highly recommend you continue doing what you love. Hopefully I've inspired you to go out and write a song called "Stupid Ass Critic Doesn't Get It" or "Keith Anderson's Roast Theme". If you write the latter, make sure I get a copy to include with my will.
Have a beer tonight. I'll have one too and will cheer you on.
Keith
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
September 8th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
BTW, Chip, I'm having this one for you (Saint Arnold Oktoberfest): http://twitpic.com/2mk35x
[Reply to this comment]
Lee replied:
September 8th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Just because someone is a Christian DOES NOT mean that they have to be nice. If you are looking for feel good, you have come to the wrong place. We speak our mind here and make no bones about it….period. You are right about one thing, your music does not and will not be accepted by the majority of people. However, you enjoy what you do and that is ALL that matters.
[Reply to this comment]
crooshjef replied:
September 14th, 2010 at 1:57 am
You are right. When someone says they are Christian it does not mean they have to be nice. It means they have to be exceptionally bad a critical thinking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOfjkl-3SNE
[Reply to this comment]
Josh Velliquette replied:
September 14th, 2010 at 8:37 am
Nice irrelevant and unnecessary jab at Christianity. I don' think you are going to change anyone's beliefs – Christian or not – with these types of methods.
[Reply to this comment]
Jen replied:
September 14th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Definitely not.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
September 14th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Crooshjef:
To make an assumption I'm Christian is bad critical thinking. I have participated in every major religion at some point in my life (except Hindu because, god help me, I love Big Macs way too much). I'm not particularly religious. For the longest time I did have Christian hate because of a bad experience, but I finally got over it since no matter where you go, people are stupid. However here at The NewReview, we all worship the Gods Of Metal and we firmly believe the Gods Of Metal have their own internal strife over WTF metal. It's kind of like how Zeus and Poseidon and Hades are all still fighting over the rights to the Perseus Jackson book and movie franchise. Polarizing music always results in extreme praise and negativity. It goes with being weird.
May the Gods Of Metal provide you 200,000 Megawatts of ear pleasure when you least expect it.
[Reply to this comment]
September 22nd, 2010 at 5:45 am
There's tons of people who listen to music who find our shared taste in Metal in general to not be music. "WTF is this loud screaming where you can't understand anything being said and overly heavy guitar. It sounds like crap, this isn't music. Now pop and hip hop IS music". Don't act like you've never seen basically that exact sentence written or said multiple times from people who don't listen to metal.
That said. I listened to the samples after waking up from a dream that slowly turned from kind of fun into a nightmare and jolted me awake, so you can imagine my expression, in the dark, 4:30 in the morning, on my bed, in my room, as the samples went by.
They do indeed have some fans, which is nice. Not my type of music at all as it really scares me more than anything.
[Reply to this comment]
October 2nd, 2010 at 5:29 pm
I know I'm a bit late to the party but I finally sat down and listened through this album in its entirety.
I no understand what you fans see in this band.
They are truly creative.
The choir in the opening and closing songs was interesting as was the odd vocals in Empty Hearth. I mean they even had a diggeridoo!
Sadly, creativity does not in and of itself equal talent.
These guys have a lot of talent but sadly no skill.
The drums were boring and repetitive. The guitar was muddled at best noise at worst. And as for the vocals…they really had no business being anywhere near a microphone.
All in all I respect these guys for what they attempted to do and I feel like the album deserved at least one listen to. However I think this ( http://xkcd.com/169/ ) sums up how I feel about this album. Miscommunicating and then acting like a genius because you are misunderstood is not intelligence.
[Reply to this comment]
Luke Amos replied:
October 2nd, 2010 at 5:39 pm
What an epic mistype.
I meant to say, "These guys have a lot of creativity but sadly no skill."
Not, "These guys have a lot of talent but sadly no skill."
My bad.
[Reply to this comment]
December 15th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
They do incorrectly what black metal does correctly. Being nonconformist, whatever the hell that actually means, doesn't go far if you're shitty at music. Capture the mood effectively, with talent and care, instead of this dribble. I got excited by the first 3 minutes of choir, and by the time the doom came in, I was laughing. Utter crap, lol.
[Reply to this comment]
Higohdiog replied:
June 8th, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Are you joking? You must never have listened to Burzum.
I would rather say the opposite anyway, that bands such as this one does correctly what (most, but certainly not all) black metal bands do incorrectly.
I enjoyed this release, I thought it was a solid listen.
[Reply to this comment]
March 24th, 2011 at 11:10 am
Glad yall don't like this, more for us.
[Reply to this comment]
June 23rd, 2011 at 5:56 pm
The album is great. YOU are fail.
[Reply to this comment]
Lee replied:
June 23rd, 2011 at 11:29 pm
This album is terrible and you think you are smarter than you really are.
[Reply to this comment]
Luke Amos replied:
June 24th, 2011 at 4:48 am
I respect what was attempted but it failed miserably when actually performed and recorded.
[Reply to this comment]
August 21st, 2011 at 7:01 pm
I actually genuinely enjoy this album. Not entirely sure why, but it strikes a chord with me.
[Reply to this comment]
September 23rd, 2011 at 1:39 am
jeeeeeeeesus christ, this thread…
[Reply to this comment]
October 12th, 2011 at 8:07 am
oh man this site has to be a joke. the review is terrible, this comment section is a joke, and the user base is embarrassingly moronic. what a surprise a bunch of “christ following” nu metal fans didn’t like this album. really it’s a shock. but hey how about that new five finger death punch? great stuff amirite?
now i better get out of here before the anti-intellectual brigade comes in here and accuses me of trying to be smart.
[Reply to this comment]
Lee Rochester replied:
October 12th, 2011 at 9:15 am
I believe by admitting that you enjoy this band it tells us all that you simply cannot be smart.
[Reply to this comment]
Keith Anderson replied:
October 12th, 2011 at 10:21 am
Christ follower? Dude, Christ follows me.
[Reply to this comment]
TR replied:
October 12th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
the thing is i didn’t even like this album until i stumbled upon this page. once i read through this and realized that i shared the same opinion with these people i went through a serious bout of cognitive dissonance and had to reevaluate my life. the mere thought of me sharing anything with the people here was tragic and overwhelming. a reality i could not face. “who am i?” “do i belong here?” “should i be following jesus christ?” “should i get a trashy labret piercing and upload a profile picture that screams “i’m an annoying douchebag stay away from me” and start reviewing metalcore albums?” these were some of the questions i was faced with in that dark time. but i overcame, and came out a better man. i will not fear what i do not understand, i will not project my insecurities of my own lack of intelligence onto others, i will not get a rebellious teenage girl piercing, and i will NOT listen to horrible music while pretending to be an elitist music critic.
[Reply to this comment]
Lee replied:
October 12th, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Well, I’m glad that you were able to overcome all those obstacles in life because as we all know….those are really tough things to conquer for such feeble and delicate minds like yours. But you did….so major kudos to you.
Two things though. It’s still unbelievably obvious that since you like this atrocity know as “The Body”, your true sense of good musical judgement is seriously lacking in both style and substance…. so that needs working on immediately. Continue to let that go and there is no telling where you will find yourself. Secondly, what is it like still living with “Mother”? While 99% of us have moved on to better ourselves in life, you’re still held up in her basement playing “musician” and eating Cheetos while watching “The 100 greatest middle-eastern child porn films of all time” on VHS. Congratulations son…she must be so proud.
Good luck to you my friend……..you’re gonna need it.
[Reply to this comment]
October 12th, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Huh, I never did comment on this… The review made me giggle, as always.
I like this album enough, though I didn’t find it as exceptional as some reviews (not this one, haha) have made it out to be. I’m likely to be called unintelligent for this, but whatevs. It’s decent drone/doom.
It is nice to see this review on here. I don’t notice many doom reviews posted around here, but after reading through some of these comments, that’s probably for the best.
[Reply to this comment]
Isaac Wastman replied:
October 12th, 2011 at 10:08 pm
new Worship album this year. get stoked.
[Reply to this comment]
Seth replied:
October 13th, 2011 at 1:01 am
My body is ready.
[Reply to this comment]