Tips for New Bands or How To Impress Us

I am a new music glutton. When I’m not scraping barnacles off of The NewReview’s company yacht or caddying for Lee as he tries to break below 250 (he’s a slow learner), I’m filling my head with all sorts of evil music. I blast an average of 300 metric tons of music into my ear canals daily. All that unused brain space we are supposed to be saving for psychic powers is full of metal. No telekinesis for me.

Being such a music hound is a two-edged Viking sword. On one side, I hear ass kicking new music daily. On the other side, I hear ass sucking new music daily.

I’m not a esoteric bandwagon snob or hipster. I’m a true fan of music, especially of the face melting variety. Contrary to what some anonymous trolls write on this website, I want new bands to succeed. So I’ve created a listicle for new bands to follow. This is free advice coming from a guy who may review your album. There are consultants who charge hundreds of dollars an hour to tell you what I’m about to disclose. Please remember me in your will before you get rich and famous and OD on your favorite addiction.

Figure Out Who You Are

Yeah, you need to know who are. Stop imitating your influences and be original. If you and your band are not comfortable with your image and your music, you will fail.

Make Music

Do you know what published authors always tell writers when they ask about what it takes to get a book published? They say “Write your book then ask me.” The same applies to musicians. You need a catalog of music. Do whatever it takes to become prolific. Whatever you do, do not put up a myspace page and start promoting yourself before you have music.

Put Yourself Out There

After you have a catalog of tunes and your image figured out, make a checklist and get out there on your own website, myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm, PureVolume, YouTube, and any other place you think you have an audience. Make sure these are all done professionally. By “professional” I don’t mean gigantic myspace header graphics. God help if I see another one of those. “Professional” means they are well done, provide all of your information, and don’t have typos.

Hire A Producer

Unless you are an exception to the rule, self-production is a bad idea, especially when making your own first demo. Your job is to write songs. The producer’s job is to find what makes you special and somehow record that. Yeah, producers cost money. Don’t whine about living in a van by the river. Musicians are not the only people who have to spend money to make money.

Less Is More

When recording your demo and you’re all into using Pro Tools, please, please, please remember: just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Since I know you decided to ignore what I said about getting a producer, at least for the love of all that’s holy, don’t load your music down with synth drums and Auto-Tune.

Fire Your Dumb Ass PR Person

We’ve seen some serious douchebaggery here when it comes to band PR. If some bands knew how their PR was handled they would play literal death metal with somebody’s head. Don’t be fooled by random people with marketing degrees. You want a PR person who will actively push your music out there, knows when you play, and is genuinely excited about you and your label. Here’s a tip: get a friend to pretend to be with an online review site and have this friend try to get info about your band. You’ll find out really quick how good your PR is.

Stay Technically Savvy

I don’t mean tech death here. As we get MP3s here to listen for reviewing purposes, I cannot believe some of the inept files I’ve received. Some of them don’t have any meta-data (no band, album, track, etc.). Sometimes we get low-quality rips. I can only review what I get and a low-quality rip doesn’t help your band get production points. I need to be able to hear your lowest bass and wince at your highest shrills. In addition, if you have previous releases, make them available, and not just on iTunes. I personally hate iTunes and will until it dies in a fire.

Own Yourselves

If you truly want to succeed with your band, own everything you do. If you have bad PR, fix it. If you have a sucky website, fix it. If you get consistently bad reviews, figure out what you’re doing wrong. Ultimately, you’re in your band, playing your music, and trying to live your dream. Own it all, the good and the bad. Get involved in social media and leave comments on sites discussing your band, while remaining professional of course.

There you have it. I’m giving you valuable advice here. Take it and run with it. Just because you have talent doesn’t mean you will make it. But you can increase your chances by following some of this advice. It also makes it easier on us poor reviewers when you know what the hell you’re doing.